


Letters to Hell

by coloured_ink



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Chloe writes letters to Lucifer, Comfort, Coping, Deckerstar - Freeform, Deckerstar fluff and smut, Deckerstar reunion, F/F, F/M, Hurt, Loss, Lucifer forgets Chloe in Hell, Pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-08-11 00:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20144866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coloured_ink/pseuds/coloured_ink
Summary: Lucifer and Chloe each live through their own kind of Hell without one another. Chloe throws herself back into work to deal with her loss and begins writing letters to Lucifer, hoping to find some comfort in putting her thoughts on paper. Meanwhile, Lucifer paces the stone cold floors of Hell, surrounded by the screams of the damned, all the while hearing the voice of his love playing over and over again in his head. He's trapped with only her memory for the rest of eternity, and he realizes sooner than later that the only way he'll survive his torturous stay in his Kingdom is if he forgets about Chloe completely. And so, slowly but surely, Lucifer pushes Chloe from his mind until she is a mere forgotten fragment of the past.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first Lucifer fic:) I've written a fic that incorporates some of my predictions for season 5! This is a work in progress, but not to worry, I know exactly where it's going. I'll be posting at least once a week. I really hope you enjoy! <3

“Good morning, Detective! I got you a coffee and lemon bar- your favorite.” Lucifer held out the treats with a sly, quick smile. His eyes gleamed with mischief. Chloe felt herself scoff. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes and throw him a playful grin. 

“Thanks, Lucifer.”

She grabbed the cup and small paper bag which held the treat, but before she could put them down on her desk, a cold hand stopped her. It squeezed her wrist until she felt the tips of her fingers go numb. She jerked her hand back and glanced up. 

“Chloe…”. It was Dan. Good-old, kind-hearted and ever-so-concerned Dan. He stared at her with an unnerving amount of pity in his eyes. Her heart sank. She had done it again. Third time this week alone.

“Listen, Chloe, I know I haven’t really been much help but please,” he released her wrist and instead slipped his hand into hers, “get some help. Professional help. I went to Linda after Charlotte and she worked wonders on me. I feel so much better, and I think she could help you out too. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for Trixie. She hates seeing you like this Chloe. I do too.” Dan let Chloe’s hand fall back onto her overcrowded desk. She couldn’t meet his eyes. She couldn’t handle the pain that fell like a shadow on his face, the clear film of dark clouds that lay atop his eyes. She felt herself swallow. Hard. A tear pricked the corner of her right eye, but she cleared her throat and looked up. 

“I’m sorry, Dan. I know I’ve made this past month rough for you- for Trixie- but I’m fine. Really. I’m fine. That was just a mistake, an old habit, you know? I’m fine, trust me.” Chloe plastered the most convincing smile on her face as she could. 

“Don’t apologize, Chloe. I just… I’m worried for you. And you know I’ve always got your back, right?” He smiled sadly down at Chloe. He took in her faded appearance. She was beginning to look more and more like a ghost as the days drifted by. Those beautiful ocean eyes had lost their bright pop, and her lips were perpetually turned down just the slightest bit in the corners. She looked older, years older, and it had only been a month. 

“Dan, I’m fine. Now, fill me in on the case.” Chloe grabbed a stack of papers from her desk, aligned them, and pushed them off to the side, making room for the new case files Dan held. All the while he dove into the details, Chloe kept her eyes glued to the pages of information in front of her. And, all the while, she could feel Dan’s pitiful eyes glued to  _ her _ . 

The days had passed surprisingly quickly since Lucifer had left. They felt unbearable at first, but Chloe was surprised by how effective she was at pushing him from her thoughts. When she was at work, work was all she was thinking about. At least, that was what she had trained her brain to do. Each day passed and another case was solved. Dan offered to be her partner a week after he realized Lucifer was gone for good. Chloe had refused to say any more about his absence to anyone other than the fact that he just decided it was best for everyone if he leaves, and, seeing the obvious heartbreak in her face, no one in the precinct pushed the topic. Chloe quickly came to realize that each day would feel like an eternity without him if she constantly dwelled on her loss. Her distraction to her problems had always been work, and now more than ever, she needed to focus solely on the job. 

Days turned into weeks, and eventually, all the time spent without Lucifer blurred together into a sort of incomprehensible series of random events stitched together by her sleep deprived, empty mind. Chloe couldn’t even count the days since she had last seen him. She only knew it was a month because Ella had made some flippant comment about it earlier that morning. That was what had triggered her all-too-familiar hallucination and got her to earn Dan’s pity. Again. 

Chloe sighed and pushed back her chair. It was late, and the case was closed. The people in the precinct had started trickling out a few minutes ago, Dan squeezing her shoulder and promising her he’d be just fine with Trixie tonight, and Ella giving her a hug just as she’d done every night since Chloe’s heartbreak. Chloe pressed her eyes shut. Her thoughts wavered a bit and then froze. She felt everything recede into darkness, into a place she couldn’t reach. Chloe listened for the ticking of the clock, for the peaceful and definite strides of time passing. Each tick was a reminder that she was still alive, that time was still barreling ahead and all she could do was move forward.  _ Get some help. Professional help. _ Chloe got to her feet a little too quickly, pressed her eyes shut again as blood rushed to her head, and made up her mind. She  _ had  _ been avoiding Linda, and now the time had come. Today was the first step to truly moving forward. 

“Come in!” Linda’s voice sounded distant behind her closed door. She sounded like she was moving ten steps backward as she spoke, like she was fading away. Chloe knew that was ridiculous, but she felt it all the same. Her white knuckles rapped at the wooden door a little too harshly. She paused when she heard Linda’s voice.  _ This is the first step _ . Chloe took a great huff of air and slowly turned the handle. 

The air in Linda’s office was ten degrees cooler than it was where Chloe stood. Chloe caught a whiff of the icy air and felt it coat her lungs. That seemed to spark a sudden jolt of courage through her, for she took one glance at her friend, stepped inside, and offered a sweet smile. She had missed Linda.   
“Chloe!” Linda slowly lowered her hand, dropping her bag back on her chair. Chloe felt a pang of regret. She had been so caught up in her own agenda that she hadn’t realized office hours were over. 

“I-sorry, Linda, I’ll come back another time. I should’ve realized you were headed out.” Chloe turned on her heel, feeling more foolish than ever. She reached for the door knob when Linda called out to her. 

“Chloe, where do you think you’re going? I haven’t seen you in weeks! In well, since… And don’t you dare use office hours as an excuse for leaving now! Chloe, you know you don’t need to schedule an appointment with me to talk to me. You’re my  _ friend. _ So, please, have a seat. There’s quite a lot I think you have to discuss…”. At that, Chloe turned her back on the door, closing it in one swift motion. She suppressed a sigh. Linda was staring up at her with eyes that were trying to figure her out. Calculating eyes. They weren’t filled to the brim with hurt, as Dan’s were. They were different. Curious. Concerned. And, almost a bit hopeful. Chloe gave a small nod and moved to the couch. Linda was already settling herself into her chair and pouring two glasses of water. No, not water. Wine. Chloe raised her eyebrows. 

“I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long night,” Linda said, handing a glass to Chloe. Chloe eagerly took it and downed it in a second. She knew the effects of the alcohol wouldn’t kick in until later when she had perhaps had a few more drinks, but alcohol had a strange psychological effect on her. She always felt looser, freer, less constrained when she drank it. Even if she only had a sip. She felt her jaw relax.

“So. Chloe.” Linda’s eyes found Chloe’s and held them. Her voice was solemn. A sudden expression of pure heartbreak passed over Linda’s face. She reached across the small table that separated them and grasped Chloe’s hand. 

“I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through.” Her voice came out a strained whisper, and in a second, the tense atmosphere snapped. All barriers had been broken, all attempts to pretend as though everything was all right, to convince Linda that there was nothing to worry about, had been shattered. Chloe’s voice caught in her throat. She flung her hand up to her mouth, covering it as the tears started escaping, one by one, pushing themselves from her crystal eyes and rolling down her powder-white cheeks, each little droplet screaming freedom,  _ finally _ . 

Linda got up from her chair and sat beside Chloe. She wrapped her arms around her friend and let Chloe’s head fall onto her shoulder. Sob after sob wracked Chloe’s body. She hadn’t cried like this since the night he had left. She had promised herself she’d pull herself together enough to never resort to that kind of crying again. Yet here she was, clinging to Linda with half-bitten fingernails digging into her shirt. The pain kept coming. Wave after wave washed over her, rocked her, let her float in the aftermath for an instant before hitting her with another. Her stomach turned in wicked, awful ways, and Chloe felt the terrible urge to throw up. She cried so hard she almost started to gag. With each breath, she felt as though she was on the verge of drowning. She felt as though the constant flow of saltwater from her eyes was entering her mouth, pushing its way down her throat and slowly filling her lungs. Soon she would be breathing nothing but her own tears.

A terrible, hungry fire started in her heart, entangled it with relentless and unforgiving flames of blue steel. They licked and licked the softened muscle and charred the very organ, burned it crisp until there was nothing but an empty membrane, an empty shell. An empty, blackened, sorrowful shell. Chloe suddenly felt her tears stop. Her episode had ended. She had a feeling she would never cry like this again simply because she had run out of tears to cry. She had depleted her supply. 

Linda held her through a few more minutes of silence. Chloe’s eyes were glued shut. They hurt too much to open. 

Finally, Linda gently pushed Chloe up so that she could meet her bloodshot eyes, her hands still tightly clutching Chloe’s arms. 

“Are you ready to tell me what happened with Lucifer?” She whispered.

Chloe felt numb. Every nerve in her body was shaking with trepidation. She knew exactly what was coming. She'd woken up in cold sweats in the middle of the night after having nightmares of moments like this. She swallowed and tasted bile. 

"No." Chloe let out a breathy laugh and squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't bear to hear his words. They stung. They cut through her like the sharp knives they were and made a home in her chest, carving holes in her heart until it was hollowed. 

"No, no. See this… This is what I meant, Lucifer, when I… You can't leave me." Chloe took in a shaky breath. She held Lucifer's eyes with her own, willing him to keep the contact, to see the desperation in her eyes. 

"Listen, I'm so sorry that… how I first acted when I saw you face I- it was stupid and- Please. Please don't go I…" Chloe paused for a moment, letting out her trembling breath. She willed her tears back but couldn't quite keep them in. They burned her eyes, and all she wanted to do was let them fall, cry out to Lucifer, throw her arms around him and force him to stay. He couldn't leave. Not now. Not now that she was about to confess her love to him. Those three simple words might just be enough to keep him back, keep him within her reach. She searched his eyes for something to hold on to, but all she could see was her own pitiful reflection and his own hurting soul. 

"I love you." Chloe's words came out more confident and more coated with hurt than she ever thought they would. Lucifer's eyes widened. His face lit up at the words, and for the first time, Chloe realized why he was called the Lightbringer. 

"I love you. Please don't leave." Chloe heard her voice breaking. Another tear crept down her cheek. She was sure she looked a mess. Lucifer let out a sort of half-laugh.

"You see," he said taking a step closer to Chloe, "we were wrong about something else in the prophecy." He cupped her cheek with his hand, his thumb wiping the stray tears. Chloe, leaning into his gentle touch, saw that his eyes were glassy.

“My first love was never Eve.” Lucifer paused a moment, waiting for Chloe to look into his eyes. “It was you, Chloe. It always has been.” He stepped even closer then as the words sunk in. Chloe tilted her head up to meet his trembling lips. The kiss was soft, sweet, and anything but enjoyable. It tasted of regret, of heartache, of loss and of defeat. They were two lost souls who had finally found each other only to be ripped away. 

“Please,” she begged one last time, “Don’t go.” Lucifer’s face fell.

“Goodbye.” As his hand fell, Chloe brought hers up to try and catch it in a last attempt to keep him, but she felt too weak to grip it hard enough. She closed her eyes and heard a soft whoosh. When she opened them his angel wings had sprouted, the beautiful white feathers a stark contrast to the night sky beyond. She gaped at their beauty, at each of the delicate feathers made by the hands of God himself. 

Lucifer began to back away, and Chloe felt she could no longer look at him. She let her eyes fall shut, and after she heard a final whoosh, she stood stunned for a moment at her loss. He was gone. He really had waltzed into her life, claimed her heart, and abandoned her. For the greater good yes, but Chloe didn’t care about that now. Chloe’s knees went weak, and she fell-- _ hard _ \-- on the ground. She pressed her palms to the cool stone beneath her and dug her knuckles into the ground to lessen the pain. 

One tear fell, and then another and another. Chloe gasped breath after breath as her heart crumpled. Each heartstring snapped, and as each one did so, she lost another part of herself. She was on her knees crying loudly, screaming, hugging her chest. The air around her stilled and the ugly cries echoed back just as loud, just as forceful. 

An hour passed and she was lying on the chilled stone, her tears dried up but still evident on her hollowed cheeks. It was Maze who found her lying there, Maze who froze with realization after dumping Chloe on Lucifer’s couch. She didn’t say a word to Chloe, and Chloe was glad. Chloe couldn’t speak. She was utterly empty. Just a shell of the woman she was before. Maze left her there on the couch without a glance back. Chloe caught a glimpse of a new fiery rage that peeked out at the corners of her eyes. She’d never seen Maze so angry, so full of fire. And, she hadn’t seen Maze since. 

Linda fell back into the couch. She’d heard Lucifer had returned to Hell from Amenadiel, but sitting there listening to Chloe’s monotonous, strained, whispered words and seeing her ashen, expressionless face as she recounted the events of that night nearly knocked the wind out of her. 

Chloe slowly leaned back against the couch, too. She didn’t look at Linda. 

Linda reached for Chloe’s hand. “I’m so,  _ so _ sorry Chloe.” 

They sat there in silence, each mulling over their own thoughts.

After a while, Linda sighed. “Chloe… you need to find an outlet. A way to express everything that you’re feeling-- that you've _ been  _ feeling-- so that you don’t keep it bottled up all the time. Today, letting out everything like you just did was so important. It's only going to get better.” She squeezed Chloe’s hand and made sure Chloe was looking at her. “I promise you that,” she whispered harshly. 

Later that night, Chloe paced the floors of her house, listening to the gentle  _ click click _ of her boots on the wood. Finally, she stopped, stalked over to the kitchen table where she found a pen and her notebook, and then made herself comfortable on her couch.  _ An outlet _ , Linda had said. Well, this would be her outlet. She took in a deep breath and began to write. 

<strike> _ Dear Lucifer, _ </strike>

Chloe immediately crossed the words out. Somehow, the “Dear” put her off. She put pen to paper again.

_ Lucifer, _

_ I’m writing you this letter because Linda says I need an outlet for my thoughts and.. well, feelings. I’m not going to beat around the bush and I’m just going to say it: I miss you. I miss you so damn much. I know you thought it best to leave, and I hope you don’t think I’m angry with you or anything like that. I’m proud, Lucifer, I am. I’m proud because you truly are so selfless, and I know you’re in Hell for me and for Trixie and for Charlie, Linda, and Maze. I know you enough to know that you would put down your life for any of us, especially me, and I’ve been a blind idiot to not see that before. But Lucifer, I can’t tell you how much it hurts. Work isn’t the same without you. I can never find a partner that will ever replace you. I miss your jokes and your inappropriate comments and you making the case all about yourself.  _

Chloe stopped writing for a second and nearly choked. Her heart tightened. Tears threatened to fall. She took another breath and continued her train of thought.

_ And, Lucifer, if I’m being completely honest, I miss so much more about you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your eyes. I miss your stubbled face. And I miss all the time that we spent together. I mourn all the time we wasted, sometimes because of me, sometimes because of you. I’m sorry for not accepting you sooner, for not confessing everything to you sooner. Lucifer, every night I think of everything that could have been and I can’t help but blame myself, and I’m so  _ so _ sorry. I should have told you sooner, because it’s always been true. I’ve loved you forever, and I only wish you knew. I only wish you hadn’t left before I could tell you that. I wish you hadn’t left. I- _

Chloe’s hand trembled. She realized her face was wet with tears, and she rolled her eyes, wiping her cheeks with her sleeves. She finished her letter with her last thought, putting a little too much pressure on the pen. 

** _I wish you hadn’t fucking left because I need you. _ ** _I need you, Lucifer, I need you. _

She threw down her pen and let her head fall into her hands. The page that sat in her lap was decorated with dried tear drops.  _ Come back, you idiot. Come back.  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for getting this chapter out a bit late! Life happened:( I hope you enjoy, and I'll try and get the next chapter out as soon as I can to make up for the delay. Happy-- or rather angsty-- reading!:)

The screams of the damned were nothing unfamiliar to him. The sharp voices pitted against each other, creating an unbearably dreadful melody that tore through the still air and punctured the occasional silence. Lucifer paced the cold, stone floors of his Kingdom. There were cracks in the hardened floor beneath his feet, and Lucifer was ancient enough to know the story behind each one.

Hell was just as he had left it: scorching, miserable, and tense. In the air hung the everlasting sense of foreboding. When he had landed and reclaimed his throne, he hadn’t thought he’d feel so welcome, so at home, but he had. He’d missed the dank stench and chained doors more than he ever imagined. The demons had welcomed him with warm grins and open arms. He’d sat on his throne, his eyes scanning the sea of demons that had come to greet him, their cheers and unruly nature almost alarming him. He realized, with a pang of guilt, that he had forgotten how overwhelming his position could be. Below him were his servants, his trusty allies, his clever pawns, and they all looked to him with eyes of astonishment. They’d stood by his side since the beginning of time, and he hadn’t considered how much it had hurt them to abandon them on a whim like he had. Their eyes had filled to the brim with relief and an overwhelming sense of compassion for their King. Lucifer had settled into his throne on that first day back, and gloated in the power he felt, in the submission he saw in each of his demons’ eyes. He was almost at peace. 

And then, he remembered Chloe. 

It had seemed longer than it had been since his departure from Earth, and he knew that was because it  _ had _ been longer. Time crept by in Hell, and even he, master of his own reign, couldn’t change the damned way it moved. Lucifer felt the drag of each minute, each second, as though he could see each individual atom move slowly to settle itself in a new position and mark the passage of time. 

The first day back hadn’t been anything unbearable at first. Lucifer had settled, had basked in the warmth of the sticky atmosphere. He’d run his slender fingers over the smooth marble surfaces of his throne and breathed in the musty air. Humans choked on this air-- this thick, overwhelming air-- but he loved it. It was the one thing about Hell that stayed constant in all his years of ruling it. The air was always unchanged.   
Chloe crept into his mind slowly. The shock of the first day back had made her slip from his mind. But, as he sat there on his throne, slowly but surely, she began to wriggle her way into his thoughts again. Every time her stark blue eyes pierced his thoughts, he quickly shut his own. He wasn’t sure if he pressed his own eyes shut to smother the memory of her ocean eyes or picture them more clearly. Every time he remembered her hair-- the beautiful, flowing golden locks that framed her sharp features-- the tips of his fingers tingled with a sensation he couldn’t quite put a name to. He remembered the touch of her soft skin and the dark blue flecks that he saw in her eyes when he was close to her. He remembered the warmth that radiated off of her and the honey-sweet taste of her lips. 

Lucifer winced every time he remembered her lips. Those lips… They had pressed against his only three times in all his years of being by her side, yet they were the most sacred, most special part of her entire body, of her entire being. When they were pressed against his, he felt like a giddy child. He felt like he was floating and grounded at the same time. He felt like he was in heaven again, but this time, he liked the heaven that he was in. It was those lips that made him feel lighter and more complete than he had ever felt before. Lucifer felt his heart tighten when those lips upturned, and felt it drop whenever they pulled into a frown. He’d never felt such a spark in a kiss before he’d kissed Chloe, and it baffled him. It astonished him, and he loved that it did. Of all the hundreds of women he’d ever locked lips with, Chloe’s were the only ones he actually cherished and remembered. 

Lucifer couldn’t help but constantly remember the last night that he touched Chloe’s lips, that he held her in the palms of his hands. He saw her shiny crystal eyes clearly. They were overflowing with tears, and he couldn’t help but swipe them from her face. Lucifer hated being the one to make her cry, to make her heart twist in terrible ways, but he tried not to break in front of her. He tried to convince himself and her that it would all be okay. He’d touched her lips with his in a brisk kiss that dripped with sorrow and desperation. It was all he allowed himself. Just one short kiss. Just one last taste of those cherry lips. Just one last taste of  _ Chloe _ . 

Chloe had closed her eyes after he’d said his last word. Lucifer saw her lips tremble and her face collapse. She stood so still she could have been frozen in time. As he lifted himself off the ground, she didn’t look up. The last he saw of her was a painful image. She looked a ghost in a darkened world. She didn’t look like herself anymore, and that was what weighed on Lucifer for days and days in Hell. He had broken her. He waltzed into her life, watched her dance her beautiful dance, and then he’d left her a broken doll. Lucifer knew that what he did was necessary, but he also knew that he would never,  _ never _ forgive himself for it. How could he?

Back and forth, back and forth. Lucifer strode up and down and up and down the cracked ground. His shoes squeaked as he turned and clicked as he walked. He dug his fingers into his hair and growled. He pulled the jet-black strands and roared. He roared and roared and roared-- with fury, with agitation, with the knowledge that this had probably been his father’s plan all along. His father had meant for him to escape Hell. He had meant for him to find Chloe. He had meant for demons to run wild and free on Earth. And, He had meant for Lucifer to leave it all behind, to leave  _ her _ behind. It was His grand scheme to get him back where he belonged. Now, he was caged for eternity, and there really was no escaping this time. Lucifer was trapped in the prison that he reigned with nothing but the memory of the only person he had ever loved.

Lucifer stopped dead in his tracks. His heart fluttered to a stop and sank. He knew what he had to do. It brought him a terrible amount of pain, but he had to do it if he wanted to survive his time in Hell without rotting away. He would forget her. Lucifer would try his hardest to forget all about Chloe. Right here, right now, was the first step to the rest of his life, and it began by losing  _ all _ of her.


End file.
